Archive for August, 2007
CONCORD – With the states of Florida and Michigan challenging New Hampshire’s role as the nation’s first primary, Governor John Lynch has promised to use a secret time machine “if the situation makes it necessary.”
Governor Lynch showed reporters the New Hampshire time machine: a modified Delorean similar to the one made famous in the Back to the Future film series.
“We developed this time machine as a contingency plan in case other states attempted to take away our God-given right,” said Lynch from the driver’s seat of the Delorean. “If other states move their primaries in front of ours, we will use the machine to go back in time and hold our primary in the middle of August. No state will be able to beat us!”
Florida Democratic Party Chair Karen Thurman is outraged by Lynch’s threat.
“This is complete bullshit. It is so not fair! Time machines are cheating! We deserve to be first, Florida is known for having really good and fair elections.”
Lynch was not rattled by the complaints from other states, nor by the hardest hitting question of the night by a CNN correspondent:
“If you’ve had this time machine all along, why didn’t you go back after the 2000 election to prevent the vote fraud that cost Vice President Gore the Presidency?”
Lynch’s response: “That was far less important to the citizens of New Hampshire or the welfare of the electoral process than the preservation of the nation’s first primary. We in New Hampshire have our priorities straight.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Bush announced earlier today his plan to institute a limited draft into military service. The plan calls for the conscription of 10,000 Counter Strike players from across the United States.
“These kids are good, real good, at killing terrorists,” said Bush from the White House Rose Garden. “They are elite weapons that will hunt down al Qaeda in Iraq, so we won’t have to fight them here.”
Counter Strike is a popular first-person shooter computer game where the players must work as a team to defeat enemy terrorists in a number of realistic environments and situations.
National Security Agency Director Gen. Keith B. Alexander has stated that the Counter Strike game was actually a creation of the United States government designed to train common Americans in military combat.
“The simulation is so realistic, even I will sit down and own a couple of n00bs when I need to blow off some steam.”
However, not everyone thinks that the plan to draft Counter Strike players is a good one, including most of the players themselves. Current Humor reporters went out into the field to talk to some of the players and get their reactions.
We stopped at a few LAN parties to talk to the next generation of conscripted soldiers. The players in these interviews asked to only be referred to by their CS handles.
The first player we spoke with goes by the name p0wn3r. He appeared to be entirely unaware of President Bush’s announcement and was visibly shaken when we played him the audio of the press conference.
“No, it can’t be possible, I have asthma. Look, here is my inhaler!”
Another player, born2BaSniper, spilled his Diet Mountain Dew on his $250 keyboard when he heard the news.
“Seriously, this is just a game, we aren’t soldiers. I can barely carry my computer from LAN to LAN, let alone an assault rifle.”
We tried to get more reactions from the players but the next round was starting and the competition was fierce.
We decided to talk to the Counter Strike elite. The recent winners of a large national tournament. Their team name is Terror T00nz, and have been playing the game for over five years.
At first glimpse they don’t appear to be military material, nor did they at the second or third glimpses. After consoling one of the members after bursting into tears upon dropping his newly-won Xbox 360, we decided that we needed to talk to the Generals who will be commanding these soon-to-be soldiers.
Upon asking General Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, about the Counter-Strike draft and his new soldiers, he replied:
“Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously, did he actually say that? I knew we should never have let him watch Revenge of the Nerds last night.”
MINNESOTA – Idaho Republican Senator Larry Craig was arrested in June for copycatting the famous SNL Dick in a Box video in a Minnesota airport.
A police officer ran into Craig singing the lyrics in a bathroom stall while attempting to convince another male occupant of the bathroom to complete “Step 3.”
Craig denies any wrongdoing and blames lewd instructions that were made readily available on the internet for his actions.
“It was not my fault,” said Craig in an interview after the arrest, “I was tempted by a set of instructions that turned up in a Google search for Dick Cheney.”
The directions that allegedly led to Craig’s conduct are pictured on the right, however many skeptics are not convinced of the Senator’s story.
“I could maybe buy it if he had done this to a lady, but he was trying to get a man to complete Step 3,” said a local Minnesota resident present at the scene. “If he was so influenced by those instructions, he would have known you make her open the box, not him.”
Current Humor’s local Minnesota correspondent was unable to get a statement from Senator Craig, but we have been invited to go backstage at the CMAs, so we will probably catch him there.
Over the years I have been asked many times to start back up writing fake news stories and satirical posts. I’ve finally given in. Hopefully I’m still funny, but I am not making any guarantees.