Bush Reveals Limited Military Draft, of Counter Strike Players
WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Bush announced earlier today his plan to institute a limited draft into military service. The plan calls for the conscription of 10,000 Counter Strike players from across the United States.
“These kids are good, real good, at killing terrorists,” said Bush from the White House Rose Garden. “They are elite weapons that will hunt down al Qaeda in Iraq, so we won’t have to fight them here.”
Counter Strike is a popular first-person shooter computer game where the players must work as a team to defeat enemy terrorists in a number of realistic environments and situations.
National Security Agency Director Gen. Keith B. Alexander has stated that the Counter Strike game was actually a creation of the United States government designed to train common Americans in military combat.
“The simulation is so realistic, even I will sit down and own a couple of n00bs when I need to blow off some steam.”
However, not everyone thinks that the plan to draft Counter Strike players is a good one, including most of the players themselves. Current Humor reporters went out into the field to talk to some of the players and get their reactions.
We stopped at a few LAN parties to talk to the next generation of conscripted soldiers. The players in these interviews asked to only be referred to by their CS handles.
The first player we spoke with goes by the name p0wn3r. He appeared to be entirely unaware of President Bush’s announcement and was visibly shaken when we played him the audio of the press conference.
“No, it can’t be possible, I have asthma. Look, here is my inhaler!”
Another player, born2BaSniper, spilled his Diet Mountain Dew on his $250 keyboard when he heard the news.
“Seriously, this is just a game, we aren’t soldiers. I can barely carry my computer from LAN to LAN, let alone an assault rifle.”
We tried to get more reactions from the players but the next round was starting and the competition was fierce.
We decided to talk to the Counter Strike elite. The recent winners of a large national tournament. Their team name is Terror T00nz, and have been playing the game for over five years.
At first glimpse they don’t appear to be military material, nor did they at the second or third glimpses. After consoling one of the members after bursting into tears upon dropping his newly-won Xbox 360, we decided that we needed to talk to the Generals who will be commanding these soon-to-be soldiers.
Upon asking General Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, about the Counter-Strike draft and his new soldiers, he replied:
“Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously, did he actually say that? I knew we should never have let him watch Revenge of the Nerds last night.”
Entry filed under: Nerd Surge.