New Hampshire Threatens to Travel Back in Time to Preserve First Primary
CONCORD – With the states of Florida and Michigan challenging New Hampshire’s role as the nation’s first primary, Governor John Lynch has promised to use a secret time machine “if the situation makes it necessary.”
Governor Lynch showed reporters the New Hampshire time machine: a modified Delorean similar to the one made famous in the Back to the Future film series.
“We developed this time machine as a contingency plan in case other states attempted to take away our God-given right,” said Lynch from the driver’s seat of the Delorean. “If other states move their primaries in front of ours, we will use the machine to go back in time and hold our primary in the middle of August. No state will be able to beat us!”
Florida Democratic Party Chair Karen Thurman is outraged by Lynch’s threat.
“This is complete bullshit. It is so not fair! Time machines are cheating! We deserve to be first, Florida is known for having really good and fair elections.”
Lynch was not rattled by the complaints from other states, nor by the hardest hitting question of the night by a CNN correspondent:
“If you’ve had this time machine all along, why didn’t you go back after the 2000 election to prevent the vote fraud that cost Vice President Gore the Presidency?”
Lynch’s response: “That was far less important to the citizens of New Hampshire or the welfare of the electoral process than the preservation of the nation’s first primary. We in New Hampshire have our priorities straight.”
Entry filed under: Primary Pissing Contest.